Be Fearless!

Don't you hate it when you are completely mad at yourself? You do something that would cause you to call out your friend, if they did the same thing, and you realize you are not practicing what you preach. My friend wrote me the sweetest note at the beginning of the week, about how she loved how I always tell people to "be fearless." Mostly, it's because I totally adore Taylor Swift, but I also absolutely love the title she chose for her second album. It means so much to me.  When I think of being fearless, I think of having so much confidence, not caring what other people think, and doing what you want with no regrets.  Basically, this summarizes how I want to live out my life each day. 
 In some aspects, I'll admit, I'm completely fearless.  I'll go on a roller coaster, travel to Africa, talk to strangers, run half marathons, kill bugs (ahem, taylor schmidt), do things people never expect I can do, and dream of nearly impossible things.  Things like that just don't scare me.  But after reading my friend's note, I've realized how often I am completely paralyzed with fear, and how lame it is for me to try so hard to push others outside of their comfort zones.  The things that scare me might seem little, but I realized this week just how much I hate being un-fearless when they come around. 
Additionally, God knows my fears and he knows how to comfort me in my struggles.  Yesterday He showed me the most perfect quote for my week, on a friend's blog:

"Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship.

Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you.

On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.

But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings. They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing."

-David Foster Wallace

And for everyone who loves Glee, I literally have been playing this song non-stop for the past week, and it goes along with my little theme:

Aaaaand finally, to wrap things up, here's what David, Paul, King Lemuel (thanks Google), and Taylor Swift have to say on the topic:

Psalm 56:3-4

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm can mislead and beauty still fades, but the woman to be admired is a woman who fears the Lord.

"To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. " -Taylor Swift

(and yes, I draw this on my wrist almsot everyday, it's whatever. I'm not weird!)

love,

p.b.

The Cross

What a week. So happy and so sad in so many ways. And so moving!
Another terrible event in a different loved one's life happened this week, and it devastated me more than I expected it would.  I was so creeped out and heartbroken that I didn't even want to come home for the night because I knew that I would just sit awake in bed trying  unsuccessfully to keep myself from thinking so deeply about it.

This week I've learned how easy it is to turn from God in the hard times, and how important it is to run faster towards him.  Today, however, I was convicted on another level.

Today I was reflecting on how thankful I am that my mentality is slowly seeming to get better, regarding the new tragedy with a friend.  I was glad the nightmares had stopped and I was putting my faith in God to piece the brokenness back together.  I also realized that tomorrow is Good Friday, the day on which Jesus Christ was crucified.  Suddenly I saw what God had been trying to teach me all week, and his timing is no mistake.  Maybe he had to do it in such an attention-grabbing way, because in my previous 19 years I never seemed to care.  I can explain Christ's crucifixion to someone in a clear sentence without even blinking, but when telling my friends to pray about what had been happening in my personal life, I would get choked up and have to search for the words.  While it was so easy for me to tear up in chem lecture or flinch when certain words came up in conversation this week, I have never felt truly heartbroken about Jesus dying on the cross. So maybe I did need as dramatic of a lesson as I received this week.

However, the best part of both stories is the miraculous life at the end.  Neither situations should have yielded life, but God provided miracles in each case.  Jesus rose from the dead three days later, and this year I am going to reflect on that and rejoice in that as much as I did with my personal story. I now again am amazed in the way God works, and his perfect way of planning out every day of my life. I am so much more at peace than I have been all week! Happy Easter, friends, and may the crucificion and resurrection also bear heavy on your heart this year!

love,
p.b.

Excuse My Nostalgia.

One of my favorite procrastination tools involves looking through all the old pictures on my computer and taking myself back to my senior year, one of the most pivotal times of my life. The second half of that year, I found friends that became my family (cliche and mushy, this post is full of it. Sorry. Not sorry.) I had known some of them throughout high school, but during this year, we all kind of came from our different groups and began hanging out every day until we realized how weird and fun and similar we all were. The boys became my brothers, and I loved having boys to go to for anything, literally. We called them just to go grocery shopping with us, we'd help them pick out clothes at the mall, we went to waffle house at 2 am, we laughed until we cried, we went running every night, and we had deep talks. This year, I have realized how lucky I am to have had this group of friends and the most perfect summer I could have asked for.  While I've always been jealous of people who have kept friends from their childhood, I have had so many people tell me how jealous they are of our tight-knit, psycho group. And I couldn't be happier.

One of the few things holding me back from deciding to go on my 8-week Summer Project  to Santa Monica this summer was this group.  I know that we would all go out again every single night and do all of our favorite, weird things, and after being the only one away at school this whole year, I didn't want to be the awkward one missing out on everything again while everyone else just grew closer.  But God has shown that he has different plans.  Erik is actually spending May in Uganda on a mission trip, so keep him in your prayers! Gookin is preparing to join me at UA next year :) :) :) :) Caleb is coming home from his job training in Virginia for the Marines, Jaclyn is graduating, Kira is payin' the bills, and Lucas... who knows ;) I am looking forward to treasuring the month I have with them before I do actually leave, and the short time after, before we all start our separate lives again.

So basically, this lil post is just to introduce you to some of the most important people in my life. Here's some vids I found on my computer a few days ago that never cease to make me lol.. a lot.

p.s... not sure why we take videos EVERYTIME we hang out, but I sure hope we don't stop. Wigs, you guys <3

love, p.b.

Welcome Home

At the beginning of this year, when I moved away to college, I made a promise to myself that I would never refer to my school as "my home." I don't even know why, it just never felt right.  I had lived in the same house for 18 years, wore down my neighborhood streets with my bicycle as a kid, and spent my summer nights as a teenager exploring new secret locations throughout the valley with my friends. Moving to college was a super dramatic thing in my life for some reason... I was only moving two hours away, but it felt like I was embarking on some hugely courageous undertaking.  From my core group of friends from my senior year, I was the only one leaving, while everyone else was still living at home or still in high school. For these reasons, I sort of subconsciously viewed college as a temporary break from my living at home: I'd return for all four summers to be with my friends, visit many weekends, and on holidays. 
 This viewpoint held true for my entire first semester.  I deliberately would say "I'm going back to my dorm" rather than refer to it as my home, even though I'd be living there for a good nine months.
About a month ago on the Cru Women's retreat, we went on a short hike and then read through a devotional individually.  The focus was on self esteem and our self concept in relation to God.  I was moved and God provided me with enormous insight on how I can improve in these areas.  However, as I was sitting right here,

surrounded by God's beauty, I realized just how much I love this city.  I'd been told time and time again that "there is nothing to do in Tucson" "it's ugly" and I would "be so bored." However, I started to pray and just rejoice in all that God has given me in this past year through my new city. During my first semester, I felt alone most of the time, and like Tucson was just somewhere I'd be passing through. I never pictured myself going on a retreat with all girls and actually enjoying myself, but here I was.  I had connections.  I had people who loved me here, who made me happy here, and who helped me grow here.
I'm not sure when it was, which I think makes it all the more natural and wonderful, but sometime near the beginning of second semester, I started calling Tucson "my home."  A few times I did it without noticing, a few times I caught myself and thought about reverting back to my promise to myself.  But no.  I am so proud to call this my home.  Perhaps it was the Tucson shootings in early January that broke my heart and felt so personal, perhaps it is the fact that my schedule allows more flexibility this semester, perhaps its the fact that I finally allowed God to soften my heart and let new people in. 
Last week while at church with a friend (see, told ya) the pastor talked about how we can bless our city.  This was just another piece of the puzzle for me... everything lately has been coming together to show me that this is where I am supposed to be, for now, so I better make the most of it. I have so many opportunities here, so many new freedoms, so many mistakes to make, and so many people to teach me new things. I learn every day how many opportunities I have here to not only reach other people, but to reach myself. Although I love being home with my parents and friends, there's always a part of me that is excited to come back.  Because, for now, Tucson is my home, and home is where the heart is.

love,
p.b.

Awk.

Well hey there, guys. I've wanted to start a blog for a while now, but it's been stressing me out. Not even joking. I have a few friends/people I've never met who have great blogs.  They're all relevant, inspiring, witty, and serve as great homework distractions.  I wish I was like that. I wish I thought in humorous jabs, or that I was able to see the deep side of everything currently consuming my whole life, or that I had some inpsiring or breathtaking life story that left all my admirers on the edge of their seats until my next post or that, let's be real, I had time to sit down everyday and put my day's events into a well-written post.  So lately, I've been trying so hard to think of what I'm going to do with "my blog." I mean come on, it has to somehow be different than everyone else's. Spolier: it won't be.  I'm not undertaking some grand road trip, or trying out a crazy hobby, or typing out the ups and downs to being a new mom, or teaching you anything that will be of much use to your existence. Glad we've got that all cleared up.

The thing is, I recently started thinking about how often things go wrong when we try hard.  Many things in life, sure, require intense dedication and persistance day after day.  For example, one of my passions in life is distance running, which y'all will end up hearing more about than you ever wanted. Sorry. So yeah, some things require you giving up every ounce of effort you have within you, and then some. But what about that other, all-too-important category of things that blow up in our face when we try too hard? Like songwriting, humor, flirting, or even a hairstyle ( am I right, girlfran?!). Some of these things are meant to just happen naturally.  You have them or you don't.  You learn them. You improve. But you can't practice doing them. You might have to give them a little nudge, and then watch them take off on their own.  That'll probably be how this lil guy ends up. Sorry if it gets to be boring or irrelevant. I'm just going to work on not trying too hard to make it perfect.

So, yeah... this is the super awk first blog post! What are you even supposed to say at the beginning?! I'm Paige. I'm almost done with my freshman year of college. I've had an average upbringing with some extraordinary episodes. I'm a follower of Christ. I run. I'm awkward.  I've learned a lot in 19 years. I've got a long way to go. And this is me telling you about it all <3

love, p.b.